THE POLITICS OF PRESS CONFERENCE DESTRUCTION MORE DeLAY SHENANNIGANS The ever-charming Tom DeLay (R-Dipshit) decided to "class up" his exit from political life by siccing a GOP goon squad, eerily reminiscent of the violent mob he organized to stop the Miami-Dade recount during the 2000 elections, on a press conference being held by his Democratic opponent, Nick Lampson. The motley assortment of Church Ladies and wannabe Hell's Angels proceeded to blow air horns, rough up supporters and quash the hats atop old ladies heads as Lampson struggled to communicate with reporters. One hopes that the Texas Democratic Party has the presence of mind to be organizing a similarly rambunctious (if considerably more upbeat) rally for DeLay's inevitable press conference on the courthouse steps, just before the Hammer is hauled off to the Slammer. Still on the topic of Tom DeLay, click this if you want to witness what is perhaps the most grotesque instance of hack-tacular brown-nosery in the history of televised political punditry. It's the live satellite feed taken from the episode of MSNBC's Hardball during which DeLay announced that he was giving up his seat in Congress. Yer old pal Jerky can't decide which was more bile-inducing: Host Chris Matthews' fawning sycophancy, or DeLay's declaration that there's "nothing worse than a woman know-it-all." It's probably the former, because the latter at least contains a grain of truth. Now that Peruvians look set to elect Ollanta Humala, South America's third recently-minted "populist leftist" leader after Venezuela's Hugo Chavez and Bolivia's Evo Morales, how long do you think it'll take before we get another Axis of Evil speech from Preznit Dubya? Election results will be in on Monday, and after that… it's the waiting game! Help me out, here, folks. What's the best word to describe special counsel Patrick Fitzgerald's recent revelations about the "concerted action" by "multiple people in the White House" -- using classified information -- to "discredit, punish or seek revenge against" a critic of President Bush's war in Iraq? Could it be... conspiracy? Ever wondered what America would be like if the anti-choice Jesus Freaks get their way and transform it into a pro-life paradise? Look no further than just a little bit south of the border. Yer old pal Jerky is already sprucing up his résumé so he can get in on some of that hot "forensic vagina inspection" action. Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com

ON THIS DAY April 6 On this day in 648 B.C., a total solar eclipse plunges Greece into mid-day darkness. It is the first total solar eclipse to be historically documented. BOOYAKASHA! On this day in 1868, Brigham Young marries Ann Eliza Webb, his 27th and final wife. Now you know how the respected Mormon prophet earned his somewhat scandalous nickname: "Jiggy Briggy." What could be more humiliating than being a penniless, washed up, 23-year-old former child star from a show that sucked, anyway? How about being penniless, washed up, 23-year-old child star who gets caught breaking into a drugstore in the middle of the night in a desperate bid to score those painkillers to which he first became addicted as a hard-partying, overpaid teen? That's what happened to former Eight is Enough star Adam Rich on this day in 1991. Starting on this day in the year 1992, the American people are called upon to exercise their democratic muscles by voting for one of two proposed Elvis Presley postage stamps: young, hip Elvis or rhinestone-bedazzled, parody-of-himself, Vegas Elvis. As for yer old pal Jerky, he's still waiting for the post office to issue a Dead Elvis stamp.

THEY SAID IT! "They get to rip off the public in the states where they control and protect their incumbents, and we get to rip off the public in the states we control and protect our incumbents, so the public gets ripped off in both circumstances. In the long run, there's a downward spiral of isolation." - 12 years after the fact, Newt Gingrich tells the truth about the Republicans' Contract On America. *** **** *** "[The biggest lesson I have learned from the War in Iraq is] the ingratitude of the Iraqis for the extraordinary favor we gave them -- to release them from the bondage of Saddam Hussein's tyranny. They have rapidly interpreted it as something they did and that we were incidental to it. They've more or less written us out of the picture." - So-called Mideast "expert" Daniel Pipes -- son of so-called Soviet mindset "expert" Richard Pipes, of Plan B infamy -- has finally figured out who to blame for Preznit Dubya's disastrous, illegal, unnecessary, bank-busting, businessman's war-of-first-resort in Iraq. And the winner is... the Iraqi people, themselves!

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by David! This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to blast them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her Lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right." "All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you." "What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in." *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal Trembly Dale for sending in today's second joke. A fellow tees off and slices terribly. He sees the ball fly past a stand of trees and then hears a shriek. He runs over and finds a woman knocked out cold. The man runs back to the clubhouse and shouts, "Is there a doctor here?" "I'm a doctor," another man says, rising. "What's the trouble?" "I just hit a woman out there with a golf ball, and she's unconscious!" "Well, where did you hit her?" the doctor asks. "Between the first and second holes." "Oh, my," the doctor says, shaking his head. "That doesn't leave much room for stitches." WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's groaner was sent in by Nasir... A guy named Pete gets a job as a switchman with the railroad, and undergoes weeks of training. The supervisor then takes him into the switch booth to test his readiness. The following exchange takes place: Supervisor: "Imagine you were sitting here alone and you learned there was a train coming from the North on that track, and another coming from the South on the same track. What would you do?" Pete: "I'd throw this switch right here and put one train on the other track." Supervisor: And what if that switch didn't work?" Pete: "I'd go down to the track and throw that big switchlever there, putting one train on the other track." Supervisor: "And what if that switchlever didn't work?" Pete: "Then I'd come back here and call the dispatcher to stop both trains." Supervisor: "And what if the phone didn't work?" Pete: "Then I'd go to that gas station across the street and use their phone." Supervisor: "And what if their phone didn't work?" Pete: "Then I'd go get Uncle Joe." Supervisor: "Uncle Joe??? What would he do?" Pete: "Nothing, but he ain't never seen a train wreck."

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: THE UNIVERSAL TRUTHS OF PARTYING care of: ACD Broken glassware never includes the stuff from Crate & Barrel -- it must always be etched heirlooms from the 19th century or high-ball glasses with your college insignia that your great uncle gave you for graduation or trophies you won in competition -- i.e., something that can never be replaced. At every party with a band there will be 15 or 20 people who sing or play well; nearly each and every one will try to prove this to the crowd; nearly each and every one should be discouraged from same. If men have had precious little interaction with pretty girls since high school, they will demonstrate it to every pretty woman they can find. People approaching or at middle age who have not done recreational drugs since 1985 really aren't quite prepared for hydroponic marijuana and uncut cocaine -- there are few things cuter than people with a bit of paunch and a touch of grey emerging from bedrooms shaking their heads and clearing their watery eyes and saying "whoaaaa, whoooaaaa, sheeeyit, holy sheeeyit..." When large men fall, the person they fall into must be under 5'3" and 105 lbs. At least one of the surfaces the 20-odd people in search of peruvian inspiration use will include a picture of one's late mother or father -- just for, you know, that little stab of guilt. When men grope at women inappropriately, they may be 100 percent certain that none of the women they grope are single, and that the victims of the most egregious groping are the dates of the bandmembers or the host or the biggest toughest guys in the room. Similarly, when women engage in vicious gossip, it will always be within earshot of people who are staying the night with the host and will repeat every word of it the next day -- or people close enough to the host to call in with post-mortems and repeat every word of it. If you leave drugs behind at such a party, there will be somewhere between a lot less and none remaining when you come by a few days later for them. The guys who were likely to steal drugs or bills from the band's tip-jar at age 20 are the exact same guys who will do so at age 45... rodents never evolve into faithful setters within a single lifetime. The later it gets, so long as there are any pretty girls still around, the more impressive become the achievements of the men in the room -- we had Olympic medalists, race-car drivers, professional boxers, mafia hitmen, and members of the J.Geils Band here by 2:15am. The last man to leave will be the one whose wife left in a huff the earliest. The person who was the most unlikely participant in any illegal activity will be the one to remember an upcoming change of employment and its associated drug-testing the next day. The older you get, the more likely people will tell you that a pretty good party was a great party. - ACD [So did yer old pal Jerky's invitation get lost in the mail or something? I mean, WTF?! - Jerky] FIRST AMENDMENT ZONE / ASK JERKY! Jerky Indonesia has got its tits in a tangle because Australia refused to send back some Papuan refugees. talk about the moslem cartoon ruckus both countries have published front page cartoons of each others leaders head on dogs the aussie dog our prime minister is shown fucking the foreign minister [its all he's good for anyway]. australia retaliated by showing the indonesion president as a dog fucking a black papuan complete with a big bone through his nose also a dog. this is still ongoing. make of it what you will Buck [I'd love to see tht last one. - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerky, Jerky, Jerky, If intelligent design is invalid, then why is it that my dick is always, conveniently within arms reach regardless of my position? J'ever think of that? Huh? I can get my hands on that bad boy any time I want. Now that's intelligent design! TMIM [Have you informed Pat Robertson of this theory of yours? - Jerky] *** **** *** jop, did they really take down the american flag in schools in so. california so as not to offend the students? Please say it aint so Tomato Mike [If by "take down the american flag in so. california" you mean a single school telling students to stop bringing flags (of any nation) to school with them so that they might shove them in each others' faces during scuffles riled up by the recent brou-haha over illegal immigrants, then the answer is yes. However, even that meagre measure brought high holy hell down on the school administrators' heads, and Monday will be the start of Flag Day, every day, for the forseeable future, at that single, solitary school. Yer old pal Jerky expects casualties, eventually, because that's what always happens when millions of idiots get worked up into a frenzy of patriotic indignation over ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. - Jerky] *** **** *** Hey Jerky - I'm still waiting for your guest post in my Yawning Anus. In the meantime, check out this hypnosis software. $450 and you can do anything! Regards, YOP6 [Once I'm totally caught up with the Dirt -- and I'm getting there -- I'll get on that guest editorial. - Jerky] *** **** *** Hey Jerky! The future is here. Be afraid, very afraid. David A [On the other hand, Metallica sure used to RAWK, didn't they? - Jerky] *** **** *** MOPJ, Thank you for your recent surge in creativity. I thought you would like to see the benefits of high priced gasoline. Greed? WHAT THE FUCK? I sure hope the undertaker can stuff that building and all those cars up this guy's ass when he dies. Cheers, Brettski [Looks like you been hoaxed, though certainly not because the petro-sheiks aren't greedy fucks, fo' rillz! - Jerky] *** **** *** Ciao All, It struck me today, while watching Loose Change, a debunking video on the official story on 9/11, that America has become very similar to the Catholic church and other dictatorships of old. Anyone who contradicts the official story is branded as a heretic or a traitor, and is subject to excommmunication. This makes it very difficult to bring the Powers That Be to their senses. When was the last time an infallible pope was brought to order for a totally wrong decision? If he says it, it is true, just like the president. There is no higher authority. No-one can contradict him because he is all powerful. Requiescant in Pace, America. Fred [Dominus vobiscum et conspiri-tutu-oh. - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com