WRAPPING UP A LOT OF OLDER STUFF INNOCENT QUESTIONS (AND THE LIKE) Innocent Question #9671111: You may remember Claude Allen, the former White House "Domestic Policy Czar" who was nabbed for what most mainstream media outlets labeled as "shoplifting". But that term is an oversimplification of the techniques Allen used to scam free stuff from various retail outlets. Here's how he did it: First, he would go into a store (mostly Target and Hecht's) and purchase an item. Next, he would take his purchases outside, put them in his car, grab the receipt and re-enter the store. Once back inside, he would grab the exact same item that he'd only just purchased and make his way to the refund counter, where he would ask for his money back. Voila! Free stuff! Now, tell me, considering the novel way this White House has chosen to pay for their businessman's war-of-first-resort in Iraq… doesn't this scheme sound suspiciously familiar? Could it be that Claude Allen was instrumental in introducing this ingenious budgetary legerdemain to the Bush administration? Wondering what the hell is going on with today's Our Stupid, Stupid World? You're probably not alone. To find out what the deal is with the little man peeking out from behind all those coffee beans, check out the main story in this edition of the Dirt. To see the front side of the pregnant Britney Spears statue, check out the "First Amendment Zone" in this edition of the Dirt. To find out what a Hottie Fag is, check out the linked website in the fourth story in this edition of the Dirt. Again, no innocent questions here, but, you know... who gives a fuck? Innocent Question #9671112: It is an incontrovertible fact that Preznit Dubya uses bullshit straw man arguments in nearly all his public declarations. One particularly vile example: "Some say that if you’re Muslim, you can’t be free." So, is it the very incontrovertible nature of the documentary evidence to this effect that makes conservative movementarians so fuckin' touchy when he gets called on it? Yer old pal Jerky recently read Kevin Phillips' eye-opening and eminently scholarly tome, American Dynasty. It's about the Bush family and their century of entanglements with business, with high level finance, and at the nexus of the military-industrial-intelligence complex. One thing that becomes abundantly clear is how unusually tight GHWB (Dubya's daddy) was with the elite of Saudi Arabian society. That includes the bin Ladens. Believe it or not, there is actually a very good chance that the first president Bush not only met Osama bin Laden during one of his visits to the bin Laden compound in Riyahd, but that he slept under the same roof as Osama when the soon-to-be Butcher of 9/11 was just a kid. Considering Osama's central role in the (CIA-created) Mujihadeen, this raises all sorts of questions about who, exactly, is controlling him now. Could it be that Al Qaeda is a fabricated construct, with a bunch of brainwashed pawns (patsies) secretly being controlled by a core group of faux Jihadis, who themselves are acting on behalf of a rogue element of the American establishment that created them to do exactly what they're doing now, for all the worst reasons we paranoid people have come to expect? Innocent Question #9671113: Pat Robertson's Christian Coalition has been sinking into a quagmire of debt and losing members for years now, and yet their perverted agenda of warlike Dark Christianity has never been more integrally manifest in the Establishment status quo than it is today. Does this mean that, when they finally go bankrupt and their last member rips up his card, The Powers That Be will know it's time to trigger Armageddon? Walk right in, sit right down and replace vote-counting files with your own. Is there enough time and public will to get this shit fixed before November? Innocent Question #9671114: What does it say about the state of American democracy that the only two companies in the running for taking over the defunct Dubai Ports World deal are Halliburton and the Carlyle Group? An awful fucking lot, and it's all fucking awful, if you ask yer old pal Jerky. The Freeway Bloggers have got an important (if poorly sung) message for all of us, and it's all wrapped up in a nifty little Flash animation. CHEGGIDOUT!!! Innocent Question #9671115: Much has been made of the fact that Preznit Dubya is the first Chief Executive to hold a Masters degree in Business Administration (MBA). So… how does he rate when his record is compared with the "11 characteristics" considered to be indispensable by CEOs and business school professors? Go on… take a wild stab at it! *** **** *** Yer Old Pal Jerky's Words of Wisdom #313: The only prophecies that ever pan out are the self-fulfilling kind. Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com

ON THIS DAY April 7 The leader of a small sect of nationalist Jewish separatists is crucified by Roman troops in Jerusalem on this day in the year 30 A.D. On this day in 1990, Reagan/Bush National Security Advisor John Poindexter is found guilty of five charges relating to the Iran-Contra scandal, including obstruction of justice, conspiracy and destroying evidence. The nation of Costa Rica still bars him entry after having officially labeled him as a drug trafficker. But that didn't stop Preznit Dubya from naming Poindexter to head up the Orwellean "Information Awareness Office" in February of 2002. He's only one of many former political felons who once have returned to positions of influence in the USA. Do some digging HERE if you're interested. On this day in 1997, singer George Michael is arrested for jacking himself off in front of an undercover cop in a notoriously gay pickup washroom. Pee Wee Herman mistakenly assumes this means the heat is off. Dream on, Pee Wee! April 8 On this day in 1986, after realizing they'd fucked up big-time by killing off their most likable character -- Bobby Ewing as played by Patrick Duffy -- the producers of Dallas announce that the entire 1985/86 season was actually a dream being dreamt by Victoria Principle's Pam character. The next season opened with Patrick Duffy in the shower. The show's many fans were not amused. Those of us who thought the show's many fans were a bunch of knobs, however, were very much amused by their great distress and disillusionment (as expressed in the "Letters to the Editor" section of the National Enquirer). Also on this day, in 1991, former teenage werewolf Michael Landon publicly announces he's been diagnosed with inoperable pancreatic cancer. And so began the large-hair'd telestar's journey along the Highway to Heaven, during which time he would be Touched by an Angel -- of Death! -- who would point the way towards that big Little House on the Prairie in the sky. Also, I'm not sure, but I think the angel's name might have been Bonanza. On this day in 1946, the League of Nations assembles for last time. During the meeting, the members decide to go their separate ways when it was it is determined that having a team with both Superman and the Green Lantern on board was simply superhero overkill. April 9 On this day in the year 1992, the Great Beast of stand-up comedy -- Sam Kinison -- dies when some punk teenager hits him head on after crossing the dividing line on a Nevada highway. On the side of the road, as his wife cradled his head in her lap, Sam -- a former Pentecostal preacher -- argued with God about the appropriateness of the time and place of his demise. Eventually, he conceded defeat. And some of us still miss him. "Read Free or DIE!!!" The first ever tax-supported public library opens its doors in Peterborough, New Hampshire on this day in 1833. On this day in 1865, Robert E. Lee and 26,765 troops surrender to Ulysses S. Grant at Appomattox. HA-ha!

THEY SAID IT! "The exercises that went on that morning simulating the exact kind of thing that was happening so confused the people in the FAA and NORAD... that they didn't know what was real and what was part of the exercise. I think the people who planned and carried out those exercises, they're the ones that should be the object of investigation. ... If I had to narrow it down to one person, I think my prime suspect would be Dick Cheney. ... There needs to be a true investigation, not the kind of sham investigations we have had with the 9/11 omission and all the rest of that junk ... I think there's been nothing closer to fascism than what we've seen lately from this government." - Dr. Robert M. Bowman, Lt. Col., USAF, ret. -- former head of the "Star Wars" missile defense program under Presidents Ford and Carter -- joins a rapidly increasing menagerie of physics professors, former White House advisors and CIA analysts, the father of Reaganomics, German Defense Ministers, a former Secretary of the Treasury and, of course, Charlie Sheen, as a public skeptic of the "official" 9/11 narrative. *** **** *** "I've been doing this for over 30 years and I have never heard of anything like this. It sounds like Nazi Germany when they were removing the gold teeth from the bodies, but at least then they waited until they were dead." - Richard J. Troberman, one-time president of the Washington Association of Criminal Defense Lawyers, discusses federal agents' recent attempts to rip the "grillz" out of suspects' mouths as part of their "drug proceeds" forfeiture operations.

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by Dave on Dope! A guy walks into a whorehouse and tells one of the girls he wants a blowjob. The girl takes him to a room and proceeds suck him off without a condom. While she does so, the guy sees a half-full bucket of sperm beside the bed. He disregards the strange site as he enjoys the best blowjob of his life. A second later, he shoots long lines of semen into her mouth. She takes every drop, but instead of swallowing, she spits the cum into that damned bucket. The guy wonders aloud, "Don't like swallowing spuzz, huh?" She wipes her mouth and replies, "Another girl and I have a bet. Whoever fills up a bucket first gets to drink both buckets." *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal Trembly Dale for sending in today's second joke. "Did you hear what happened?" Jim asked when he saw me walking down the hallway at work. "Hear what" I asked, my curiosity peaked. "The regional vice president died this morning!" "What?!" I asked, totally stunned. "What happened?" "He was working through lunch when he had a heart attack," Jim began explaining. "Everyone was gone except his secretary. You know the one." "Boy do I. She's that young blonde babe." "Yeah that's the one. Turns out she isn't too smart, though." "What do you mean?" I asked. "He kept yelling at her to 'call 911'. She just stood there waiting for him to give her the rest of the phone number." WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's groaner was sent in by Andres Raid... A young boy asks his Priest if God is a man or a woman. The Priest decides to tease the boy and answers that God is both. The boy then asks if God is black or white. Again the answer is both. Next question, is God gay or straight. Once more the answer is both. The boy then asks "Father, is Michael Jackson God?"

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: AN OPEN LETTER TO ALCOHOL care of: Kerusty Klown Dear Alcohol; First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. My friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holiday's hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences: 1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m.Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends / girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night? 2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce, along with a big Italian meatball and some stale chips (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time. 3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock. 4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities. Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm(pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership. Thank you, Your biggest fan P.S. THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. Innovative 2. Preliminary 3. Proliferation 4. Cinnamon THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. Specificity 2. British Constitution 3. Passive-aggressive disorder THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex. 2. Nope, no more beer for me. 3. Sorry, but you're not really my type. 4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight? 5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing. - Kerusty Klown FIRST AMENDMENT ZONE / ASK JERKY! Hi Jerky; Wow... Rudy Al sure tore a strip off you in his Apr. 5th post! lol Ya just gotta love they way he starts out with "EVERYONE HAS THIER RIGHT TO THE OPINION" then goes on to say "YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO THE FREEDOM THAT WE HAVE IN THIS COUNTRY". So you only have a right if you agree with him I suppose. So typical of far too many people these days. Rudy, you really need to address the anger issues you seem to have, then possibly do a little research into what is really going on with the government at this particular time. Even the mainstream press are starting to dabble a little in questioning the way things have developed over the last few years. Where is Osama these days, Rudy? Do you think the government has been searching for him in Iraq? Unfortunately there is still no cure for stupidity or blind obedience. Keep up the good work Jerky. It's always a pleasure and educational reading the Dirt. I wonder if Rudy realizes that at least you post dissenting opinions here unlike the extreme right on their sites. Which one is the more democratic, Rudy? Take care, MMUD [Rudy is what is known as an "Internet Tough Guy". If he saw me in a bar, he'd probably offer to buy me a beer... the fag. - Jerky] *** **** *** dagnabbit man,,, uglitron is getting to be older than me...... please may we have another. Aussie friend. [Your poorly atriculated wish is my command, sir! Behold, the hideous newness! - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerky ma-man. I'm a canuck who's been livin down here in GA for the past three years, and there are two undeniable truths I have discovered. First Joseph Goebbels is alive and well and masquerading as Bill O'Rilley. And second, if George Dubya would confess to being Pinocchio, you wouldn't need NASA. You could use that lying sac-o-shit's nose to poll vault to fucking Mars. Yours always Nanook from da Nort [That's a good one! - Jerky] *** **** *** MOPJ, Here is something that has been interesting to follow. YOP, Bob [Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to end democracy as we know it. - Jerky] *** **** *** Just heard on the news... It's gonna take at least 3 weeks to get Gene Pitney's coffin made from American oak. But only 24 hours from balsa. YOP JC [Ouch. - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerky; Here's one for your numbered sayings: "All politicians lie, but Republicans have made it a religious obligation." Sweeney [I can't claim authorship on something I didn't write myself! Still, it's in the Dirt's permanent digital record, so there you go. - Jerky] *** **** *** Young Jerks, there is no way I'm getting you one of Black Dog's tanks this Xmas. Will you settle for a Blow-up Ann Coulter Fuck Doll? They are just so much easier to fold and carry. Cheers, Santa in NZ [Folded or not, you're gonna get paper cuts. - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com