INCONSEQUENTIAE! REMEMBER JOHN LITHGOW'S CHARACTER FROM THE WORLD ACCORDING TO GARP? THE WEAKER SEX?! We here at the Daily Dirt would like to wish a sure-to-be-interpreted-as-misogynistic farewell to three individuals who have provided living proof that women can be just as base and vile and evil and covetous and manipulative and unscrupulous and yes, even as thuggish as any man could ever hope to be. First up, porno-trailblazer and renowned dog-lover Linda Lovelace, who first made a career out of being born without a gag reflex, then made a second, even more lucrative career out of lying to gullible born-again Christians about how she was "forced into it" by her husband. Lovelace died in a Denver hospital on Monday from massive injuries sustained in a car crash that happened almost two weeks ago. This was actually the third death for Lovelace, who experienced career death when the videotape revolution and hordes of California cuties who were willing to do ANYTHING killed her porn career, and the death of John Holmes - coupled with the Traci Lords controversy - killed her gig as porno's primiere succes de scandale. Next up, the delicate flower who added a she-male's touch to Preznit Dubya's inner circle, Karen "HUGE" Hughes, who announced this week that she will be leaving her boss and Washington to return to Texas, where she will "spend more time with my family." Yer old pal Jerky remembers the last time he heard that line. It was in the movie Deep Impact, spoken by an actor playing a senator trying not to spill the beans about a giant comet that was about to impact - and kill every living thing on - planet Earth. Is there something you want to share with the rest of us, Karen? Feel free to call yer old pal Jerky, anytime. And, finally, there's figure skater-turned-thug-turned-boxer Tonya Harding, who was picked up for drunk driving after putting her pickup truck in the ditch on the weekend. I guess even all that celebrity boxing prize money isn't enough to keep a natural-born trailer trash skank on the straight and narrow, these days. In any case, this is farewell, Tonya… yer old pal Jerky is so sick of that fugly little face of yours that you'd probably have to commit some kind of heinous terrorist attack to get back into the pages of the Daily Dirt again. *** *** *** Country music legend George Jones seems to be getting better at holding his liquor... but it's a gradual improvement. The hot-headed Country Music Hall of Famer has gone from cheating death while driving drunk - witness his 1999 encounter with a bridge abutment - to merely breaking his foot while attempting to walk from the counter to his table at a Nashville eatery last week. All things considered, this is a drastic improvement. Unfortunately, due to years of bodily pickling, it took Jones a couple of hours to feel any pain from the injuries he sustained during his altercation with gravity. All's well that ends well, however, and, knowing George, he'll probably end up making a song out of this recent setback. "Do the ankle snappin' boogie! Nee-haw!" Hey, man! I was thinking the exact same thing. Upon returning from a trip to Mexico, the bartenders at the Et Cetera lounge in Iowa thought they would blow their customers' minds by showing them a trick they learned from their fellow mixologists at an Acapulco watering hole. Yer old pal Jerky can almost imagine the shit-eating smile on the cocktail-slinger's mug as he poured a line of rum across the bar top and ignited it - just as he can almost imagine the screams of the injured and the stench of broiling human flesh and hair that were the result of this idiotic stunt-gone-awry. In all, six patrons had to be rushed to hospital with burns, including one woman whose hands and face were set on fire by the out-of-control inferno. Yer old pal Jerky has always held that in a bar-type situation, it's best to stick with beer. You don't see people being set alight at Oktoberfest... anymore. DAILY DIRT EXTRAS! Can it be true that NOBODY LOVES THE HULK?! We here at the Daily Dirt don't think so, seeing as we happen to be big fans of the Green Goliath. Apparently, however, rock combo The Traits don't share our taste in comic books. So do yourselves a favor and CHECK OUT THIS WEEK'S ROTWANG!!! You'll even find something about that dearly-departed cross-dressing monstrosity Divine!

ON THIS DAY April 25 On this day in 1983, mere months after President Ronald Reagan famously likened the USSR to an "evil empire," Soviet leader Yuri "Sickleboy" Andropov replies to a personal letter from American fifth-grade student Samantha Smith. In response to Smith's question about nuclear war - remember The Day After? - Andropov wrote: "Samantha, we in the Soviet Union are endeavoring and doing everything so that there will be no war between our two countries, so that there will be no war at all on earth. This is the wish of everyone in the Soviet Union. I vow that we will never, but never, be the first to use nuclear weapons against any country." Andropov ended his letter by inviting Smith and her family to Moscow for a visit. She accepted, and for a while, Samantha Smith was getting O.J.-level media attention. They were calling her: "America's youngest ambassador!" They were talking about a sea-change in American-Soviet relations. Within the span of two years, both Yuri Andropov and Samantha Smith were dead, the former being felled by a fierce kidney infection, and the latter being torn to shreds in a plane crash. Two voices for peace conveniently silenced, leaving the military industrial complex safe to go on churning out five hundred dollar hammers, thousand-dollar toilet seats and billion-dollar stealth bombers. At the time, former head of the CIA and then-vice-president George Herbert Walker Bush was working behind the scenes, laying the groundwork for a New World Order, which was, and is, heavily dependant on those defense contractor dollars. Put two and two together, maaaan!!!

QUOTES! "The Montreal Expos: America's Team. You have to adore them, at least a little bit. Really, is there a baseball fan anywhere -- Braves, Mets and Phillies fans included -- who doesn't have a warm spot for these guys? You want to ruffle their helmets with your hand and say, "Attaway boys!" The Expos are baseball's sad sack underdogs. They're Charlie Brown's Christmas Tree. They're Little Orphan Annie." - Yer old pal Jerky got a kick out of Kostya Kennedy's enthusiastic editorial about the all-but-dead-and-gone baseball team that now finds itself in first fucking place, for some reason. *** *** *** "I want to thank the dozens of welfare to work stories, the actual examples of people who made the firm and solemn commitment to work hard to embetter themselves." - Preznit Dubya, in Washington DC, on April 18, 2002.

JOKES Today's first joke was sent in by our new pal Henry Bent... A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, another customer walked in and went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey. He fit a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, "That'll be $5000." The customer paid and walked out with his monkey. Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?" The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey can program in C - very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money." The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. "That one's even more expensive - $10,000! What does it do?" "Oh, that one's a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff," said the shopkeeper. The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read $50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?" The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually seen it do anything, but it says it's a consultant." *** *** *** Today's second joke was sent in by our old pal Will Rogers... An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly found himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of headhunters. Upon surveying the situation, he said quietly to himself, "Oh God, I'm screwed." A ray of light fell from the sky and a voice boomed out, "No, you are not screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you." So the explorer picked up the stone and proceeded to bash the life out of the chief. He stood above the lifeless body, breathing heavily, surrounded by 100 natives with looks of shock on their faces. The voice boomed out again, "Okay, now you're screwed." WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's worst joke was sent in by M.J. Dinicola. Q: You know what Michael Jackson gonna get if he molests one more little boy? A: His own parish!

JERKY KNOWS! Relationship troubles? Philosophical quandaries? Nagging doubts about your spouse? Jerky knows the answer! Send your letter to the feedback address at the bottom of the page: Hello there, JERKY! I am 23, a guy, go to college in the bay area. I have two room-mates. One of them is a guy and he is a year younger than me. I don't think of myself as a what people call a 'queer' or 'fag'. But I am strongly attracted to my roomate. We really enjoy each other's company and do a lot of things together. The only thing missing is a phsyical relationship and it seems so natural that we should take that next step. He doesnt have a girlfriend and I have never seen him go out on dates with women. There have been moments when I was sure he was thinking the same thing as me but I didnt have the nerve to lean over and kiss him. If he is not gay that is fine too- I respect people's limits. But how can I find out what hes feelng about the situation without freaking him out and driving him to move out? Signed: RAMAR... Dear RAMAR; no matter what you do, you'll never be able to control his reactions. However, the way I see it, there are only two possible ways of dealing with this situation. The first way is, I think, the best. I call it the "Band-Aid" method (you know how when you take a Band-Aid off quickly it hurts less than if you do it slow?). Just strip buck-naked, walk into his room with your cock in your hand and an inquisitive look on your face. When he turns around, shrug nonchalantly and ask: "Want some?" There will be no ambiguity in his response, I guarantee you that. The second method is the "slow burn." Rent a soft-core European porn video featuring both hetero and homo sex scenes. Watch it with him. During the scenes with chicks, watch his expression. Try to detect any arousal. If he remains stone-faced throughout, wait for the fag scenes, then sneak up behind him and shove your cock in his armpit.

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. Today’s Topic: PARANOIA, HISTORY AND THE PATH OF LEAST RESISTANCE Care of: thuril35@hotmail.com. Hey Jerky! Re "John" from last week... Unfortunately there ARE a lot who think just like him. Why is a mystery, the evidence, as you pointed out, is there in history. Has he not read All the President's Men or at least seen the movie? Does he not recall Ollie North? or even something as simple as the Gary Powers debacle? And let's just stop for a second and consider that many of the people involved in those were not too bright... The problem is not that governments enter into conspiracies, it's why they do it. Paranoia. Nixon was convinced he was the only person who could do the job, Oliver was afraid of the Middle East, Eisenhower was scared of the USSR. But you know, I can live with those. They were being paranoid on behalf of the nation. Might of been wrong, but the intent was, however twisted, in service of the nation. The REALLY scary ones are when High Government officials seek to profit for themselves and their buddies. Again, plenty of examples, but they don't make the news the same way. I guess greed implies more intelligence than patriotism. Regardless, there's the enduring Haliburton links, the connections between House Bush and House Bin Laden, even between House Bush and House Hussein (Saddam that is.) Many more, you know them, so do I, although I doubt we come close to knowing all of them. If "John" looked at the evidence, listened to the whistleblowers, some of whom you point to on occasion, and then made the BIG step - Trust nothing you read, believe nothing someone tells you, question everything - he might wake up. That's a pretty good definition of paranoia, but who says it's unhealthy? It depends who the paranoid is. More paranoia of those who lead us would make for a healthier world. What really happened September 11? We don't know, certainly not the opening shot of a war between America and Afghanistan. Was it part of a plot to make a few Americans richer? We can't say, but there is plenty of evidence that it could of been. Perhaps some had bigger agendas than mere money, but took a dip anyway, those airline stock market stats are hard to explain away. That would be a cruel and heartless explanation, but are there people in this world who could do that? Ignore the suffering, take a profit, and justify it to themselves on the basis of greater good? Absolutely! History records some of them, it WILL record more. Blindly accepting news makes it truth (that's what Pravda means. The longest lasting lying rag on the face of the earth). Look at facts, not opinions emotions and sentiments, then decide what makes sense. Occam's razor is still sharp, but little used these days. Cheers, ChrisG [Yer old pal Jerky is convinced that people are finally starting to wake up and smell the asbestos. There is the social equivalent of a tectonic shift under way. Keep your feet firmly planted during the aftershocks, and keep watching this space! - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com